Help. I woke up today feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. My entire body aches, my head, my muscles, my joints. My hands and feet are numb and tingling.

I’m on day 5 of a low-iodine diet to prepare for the radioactive iodine treatment I am having next week. On Monday, I begin thyrogen shots to increase my TSH. On Tuesday, I have another thyrogen shot and a low dose of radioactive iodine before a complete body scan to determine where my existing cancer is. The scan will determine the amount of radioactive iodine I receive on Wednesday. The goal is for the RAI to ablate any remaining thyroid tissue and disease.

For five days I will be in insolation, thankfully at my own home. During the five days I need to limit my exposure to others, no public places, no cuddling with my dogs (or husband and children) and I need to eat on disposable plates with disposable utensils. I need to drink lots of water and flush three times after I pee. Basically all that radioactive material goes down the toilet which is not a comforting thought when thinking of our water supply.

I know that everything will be fine but I woke up today with an impending sense of doom. I feel better already by writing about it.

I’ve been isolating so much over the past several weeks. It’s where I go when I am frightened. Despair grows when I give it plenty of space. I tried to talk to my husband about it this morning when I was falling apart but he walked out the door to go to a meeting. It hurts. I need to call someone in the program who understands my disease, and by disease, I mean the disease of alcoholism.

Reaching out by writing helps. I know I won’t die from this disease but the fear of the unknown is crippling me. I’m in my bed instead of being at the big book meeting.

There’s so much shame in all if this. Shame about gaining weight, and not wanting others to see inside me, to see my pain and vulnerability. I’ve always worked so hard to put a good face on when I am suffering.

The nightmare I had last night didn’t help. I’ll leave that dream for another post. Right now I need to pray. Thanks for being there, dear readers.

xoxo