So today I went to one of my favorite meetings at a local university. It’s a noon meeting held in a professor’s office and it’s usually small, today there were 7 of us. The fact that it is small is one of the things I love most about that meeting, that and the fact that I admire and love the folks who attend. I decided to bring up a topic of something I’ve struggled with recently.
I haven’t much felt like sharing at meetings lately, in fact, I haven’t really had any interest in attending meetings at all. Yes, I go in spite of that fact, but I’ve skipped a few here and there. It’s not that I hate going to the meetings or am disturbed at all by what goes on at the meetings. It’s more of an indifference, boredom, malaise. And I realize it’s not just boredom in the meetings, it’s my entire life.
I go through periods like this. Stretches of time of when I struggle with existential angst. As in, what is the meaning of life? Why am I here and is there any point to all of this? It’s not like I want to off myself or anything that colorful, it’s just that everything seems so blah…
I heard a lot of good things in the meeting. Suggestions that I have tucked away in the recesses of my dimly light mind. Suggestions like, now might be the time to do something different. Help another alcoholic, get involved in your home group, switch your meetings up a bit. Sponsor somebody new. And a biggie, isn’t it enough to just be at a meeting? To acknowledge that I am an alcoholic, that I’m not alone with this illness. Isn’t it enough to just be?
The suggestions that resonated the most for me were acceptance and gratitude. Acceptance of the fact that this is where I am now. I cannot will myself to be or feel different, although that will come in time, as all feelings, good and bad, pass. Acceptance of myself without judgment. That’s a biggie. Not to judge myself for feeling this way, for feeling like I cannot or do not contribute. Acceptance of indifference.
And gratitude. Make a gratitude list every night of five things/people you are grateful for. Gratitude takes me right out of my own complaining whiny self. After all, there’s a lot to be grateful for. Perhaps if I do these things, I will create a small opening, just enough for a shift of perspective.
Today I am thankful for:
1. My dogs – all three of them.
2. My gardens – particularly the Hydrangeas that are blooming now.
3. My husband – he’s wonderful.
4. My Al-Anon Sponsor – she’s important.
5. AA and Al-Anon – without them I’d be dead.