Back from the beach for almost two weeks now. Settling in but still find the transitions from one place to another a bit draining. Didn’t get much sleep on Friday night. I attribute that to the Super Moon which kept me up until 3 in the morning. Did anyone else have that experience?

Last night we invited our daughter and her boyfriend over for Sunday dinner. Earlier in the day, with some hesitation and trepidation, we asked our son to join us.

M moved into an apartment with a friend a couple of weeks ago. We decided to foot the bill, not so much to enable him but so that we could sleep at night knowing that he is safe. We’ve struggled about what the right thing to do is and so far this appears to be a good move.

The dinner turned out to be wonderful. M was clearly on his best behavior and was quite entertaining. He’s really a funny guy when he’s relaxed and not full of rage. His anger started to bubble over a couple of times but he kept it in check and I think the fact that our daughter’s boyfriend was there made a big difference.

I’m really grateful for this family time. This is what I’ve always wanted, easy comfortable time with my husband and our two kids. The last time he came over for Sunday dinner was a disaster ending up with us threatening to call the police to get him out of the house. Now I have some hope that our relationship can be repaired.

I’m so grateful to Al-Anon for helping us to get where we are with our son. Al-Anon has given me the tools to take this one step at a time, and pray for guidance along the way. I’m also grateful to have this blog, where I can share my feelings and experiences with others who may have similar challenges in their lives. Thanks for being here.

Wow. It’s been some time since I’ve posted. To be frank, I just haven’t had the desire to write. I’ve been down at the beach now for over 3 weeks, mostly on my own.

This time alone has given me the opportunity to focus on my physical and spiritual health. I successfully kicked my sugar habit, (huge accomplishment) and am working out 6 days a week. Due to these efforts and cutting out gluten and dairy, I’ve lost 26 pounds since January 9th.  I’ve been spinning 3 to 4 times a week, doing yoga, and strength training twice a week with my trainer.

I’ve also read several books and have been working on my fourth step in “The Blueprint for Progress”. My sponsor gently reminded me that when I am obsessing about someone else,  (i.e., my son), it’s a good time to take a look at myself. Doing my inventory helps keep the focus on myself.

For the last week I’ve been really lonely, D had to delay his trip down here by several days because of work.  He is flying down in two days and I cannot wait to see him. Soon I will have someone else to talk to other than my dog. This solitary time has been valuable and helps me to appreciate the relationships I have. I miss my family and friends up north, it’s time to go home.

I just finished reading “The Fault in our Stars” by John Green. I was compelled to read it as John Green attended the same college as me and I’ll do anything to support my fellow alums. It’s categorized as a YA (young adult) novel but is smarter and better-written than any adult fiction I’ve read lately. This book asks the big questions, Why do we suffer, why must we die, and what meaning can be found in any of it? It’s a tragic love story about two 16 year olds who meet at a cancer support group. (The meeting is in a church basement and it’s not unlike many meetings I attend although with a different theme, cancer.) Here’s a quote I love.

“I’m in love with you,” he said quietly.

“Augustus,” I said.

“I am,” he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I highly recommend this book. I’m looking forward to reading it a second time. It’s that good.

Sunday started with a beautiful walk with my Rasta pup on the bluff along the sound. I’m back at the beach and the fresh air, glorious sunshine and the ocean have cast their delicious spell and I feel lighter because of all of it.

I have a new pedometer, a Fitbit, and my goal is to walk at least 10,000 steps a day in addition to my other workouts. Keeps me motivated and going for several walks a day. My dog thanks me and the exercise is essential for my recovery.

Friday was a day of mixed emotions. Our daughter called to let us know that she got a job offer for a position she has interviewed for since January. We are so proud and happy for her. Her life is moving in the right direction, something I could not have imagined just a little over 3 years ago as I drove her to rehab for her heroin addiction.

Heroin addiction, it’s hard for me to talk about let alone write about. It was the day before my fifth anniversary of sobriety when she called me with the news, “Mommy, I have to tell you something really disturbing and I need help. I am addicted to heroin and need to go to rehab. Please don’t tell Dad”. How could my smart and beautiful daughter, the one who screamed at the doctor’s office when she got a shot, have fallen prey to this drug? I could not comprehend her even going near this hard street drug, a drug that has wrecked so many lives. I imagined a future of crime, prostitution, overdose and the unimaginable, death. Her recovery gives me hope.

The same day we got repeated frantic calls and text messages from our son. He was desperate because the friend he’s been staying with went out-of-town and he doesn’t let him stay in the house when he is gone, so M, once again, is out on the street and looking for a place to stay. It breaks my heart and takes me right back to the same old question, are we doing the right thing?

We’ve been in this spot more times than I can count. I try to imagine a good future for our son. Maybe he will turn around like our daughter did.  But they are too different people, she is responsible, motivated and self-confident, whereas M has no confidence. This fact, coupled with his brain disorder, makes for a tough road. I continue to pray for him daily, and realize that is all I can do. Powerlessness is a hard lesson to learn.

This morning I logged into our wireless phone account and looked at M’s call details. There were scores of one minute calls made in a desperate attempt to find a place to stay. I wonder where he ended up and if he is safe. Does he have food? I don’t know how he can cope without the basic necessities of life. Are we really doing the right thing? Only my higher power can answer that question. I keep praying and hope you’ll offer up a prayer as well.

I’ve been thinking about regret all day. I am worrying about a friend in recovery who is a bit stuck in it now. I wonder, what can I do to make her feel different, to help her realize that what she has right in front of her is pretty damn amazing, hell, she’s pretty damn amazing, if only she could see it. If only she could love herself unconditionally.

The ninth step promises tell us, “We shall not regret the pass nor wish to shut the door on it.” I’ve thought about that promise a lot over the years. When I first got sober, I could not imagine not regretting my past behavior. In fact, I reveled in regret and guilt. I held that guilt so tight because I felt that if I didn’t feel it, I wasn’t getting the punishment I deserved. I wouldn’t allow myself to let go of the guilt or forgive myself because in some twisted way I thought if I did that I was not being responsible. I’d become a sociopath, with no conscience. And that was unacceptable to me. The problem is that I heaped a lot of shame on top of that guilt and that shame was toxic. It made it very difficult to grow spiritually.

The last years of my drinking consisted of me being of full-time Mom and more importantly, a wine aficionado. I say that in a half-joking way. I’d traveled to Napa and Sonoma and Burgundy and I knew good wine. I had a fancy wine refrigerator in my office, the magical fridge. It was so magical that it took me completely away from reality. Its very existence became troublesome after I got sober. What the heck was I going to put in the magic fridge now that there was no wine? Water bottles were too small and they kept falling through the shelves made to hold wine bottles. Plus the fridge does not keep anything quite cold enough. I still want to get that thing out of there and replace it with a regular fridge but haven’t found the courage to bring it up with my husband. Maybe he’ll read this and get the hint.

I’m not going to get into some heavy talk about things I regret because I truly believe that gratitude and being in the moment is a way out of that trap for me.  During a meeting the other night where the topic was Insecurity, someone referred to our self-doubt or self-flagellation as the tyranny of self. So gratitude and turning it over to a power greater than myself every day can help me out of that prison. When I turn it over, I can be of service to others. I am of no value to anyone when I am wallowing in self-doubt and insecurities.

My life is really wonderful now and I know I wouldn’t be here without all my past experiences including not doing all those things that I wanted to do when I was young and idealistic because I chose to drink and party instead. And despite my drinking and partying, I did manage to accomplish a few things, like graduate from a good college, hold down a good job, fall in love and get married, raise a family, etc. And who knows what I will do next?

Next week I am going down to the beach for a month. Yep, my life is pretty amazing. I am blessed to have a place to go where the sun is shining, the sunrises and sunsets over the water are unforgettable, and people are generally happy, perhaps because there is an ample source of Vitamin D.  I am looking forward to reconnecting with nature and the rhythms of life at the shore.

One of my favorite things to do at the beach is to walk with my dog on the two-mile stretch of beach near my house in the late afternoon. There is something about the light at that time of day and I always see something new. One day it will be the horseshoe crabs mating and another day I may find several shards of Indian pottery. You never know what the tide will bring in. It’s always a delicious surprise. I love watching the dolphins return to the sound and play before heading home for the evening.

I’m also looking forward to reconnecting with my recovery community down south. I really miss those folks.

I’m sending out love and light to my dear friend who is suffering. (she taught me about love and light too) xoxo

Oftentimes I need to take a concrete physical action to understand and carry out a spiritual principle. Throughout my recovery, nothing has been more daunting to me than the third step. How do I turn it over? Luckily, the third step of AA and Al-Anon are the same.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The topic of the third step has come up in countless meetings in both programs and with my sponsors over the years. Quite often when the topic was brought up, I didn’t want to share about it.  I just didn’t get it. The step seemed impossible. The concept was so foreign to me and how could I turn something over to something (or someone) that I did not understand or believe in? Friends in the program reassured me that all I needed to do was make a decision. This too seemed implausible.

I’m getting better at turning it over now but I still struggle with control and the unwillingness to accept my powerlessness. When confronted with a situation or person that is difficult, I do everything I can to educate myself about the problem. I research until I’m exhausted. When my father was near the end of his life, I was his health care surrogate. I was responsible for coordinating his healthcare with his many doctors. When this was happening I was about three years sober. I poured all of my energies into understanding my Dad’s medical challenges and ailments. He was a long-term martini drinker and I got him off the booze. I delighted in going into his liquor cabinet and pouring out all the bottles. In my mind, I was his saviour, I’d cure his alcoholism. I also took it upon myself to understand all of his prescribed medications, the reported side effects, and possible interactions.

Partway through this I realized that what I was doing was insane, controlling behavior. I hired a concierge doctor to oversee his healthcare. My Dad could afford it and I wanted him to get the best possible care and live out the time he had left with dignity. Although he now had this doctor, I still felt the need to understand everything and anything about his care. I was his advocate. I had the list of all the meds he took and could tell you all about them. I’d relay this information to my brothers and I maintained an illusory sense of control. This was a hard task for someone who was newly sober.

My latest challenge in powerless is the alcoholism of a beloved family member. She has been drinking for years with countless consequences. Over the past year or so she received two DUI’s which resulted in two nights in jail, large fines and losing her license.  I dreamed that she had finally reached her bottom. She attended a court ordered intensive outpatient rehab and started going to meetings after the second DUI. I was really invested in her progress. I’d count her days sober and call her to congratulate. I’d ask her about meetings she attended. I was most likely a royal pain in the ass. I knew full well about attraction versus promotion but in this case I justified my involvement with the fact that she had made the decision to get sober. I blinded myself to the fact that this was court ordered.

Surprise, surprise, despite my enthusiastic support and love, she went back to drinking.  I was crushed. My powerlessness kicked me in the butt. My higher power was giving me a great lesson about acceptance. Two nights ago, she called me at a late hour and I could tell she’d had a few drinks. She wasn’t yet slurring her words but it was inevitable she’d get there soon. She went on and on about several of her latest crises, and she didn’t make any sense. All I wanted to do was to get off the phone but couldn’t bring myself to setting that boundary. At one point her son called her on the other line and she said she would call me back. I was so relieved because I had been unable to extricate myself from the conversation. Even though I had asked her many times to not call me when she’d been drinking, I knew there would be a big fight if I confronted her with it. I wasn’t ready for a confrontation but at the same time, I did not want to get caught up in her insanity.

I think one of the main reasons this bothers me so much is that looking at her is like looking at a mirror of my life nine years ago. Was I really that bad? And why is my life so good now when hers is basically falling apart? Do I really deserve this grace?

The conundrum is that I really love her. At this point I cannot just shut her out of my life. Maybe someday I will have to take that step, but I’m not ready for it now. Luckily she lives many hours away and we don’t see each other often. My husband refuses to visit her and her family anymore. He won’t fly into the eye of the hurricane that is her life…

When I went to my Al-Anon home group last night the topic was the third step. Someone suggested using a God box to turn over whatever situation or person they were having trouble with. This is something I’ve used a few times over the years but not consistently.

I went home, walked into my new meditation room, and wrote her name on a slip of paper. I put it in my God Box. I want only the best for her but I’m letting go of the outcomes. The simple act of writing her name down and putting it in the box gave me a small bit of relief. Here’s a bit of what Anne Lamott wrote years ago in a Salon article, God’s In-box. It’s brilliant. Read the rest when you have a moment, you won’t be sorry.

Maybe it’s about turning one’s attention from what’s holding us enthralled. Maybe it gives us a little room and a sense of fresh air, and with that comes some kind of healing breath. Maybe it gets us to stop looking in the one direction where we think the mountain is going to rise up before us, and so instead, with our minds free to wander and bob, we notice pathways and even airy glades we hadn’t see before. I do not have any idea how it works…

When our son moved out, we decided to begin a project we’d wanted to do for some time, replace the carpeting in our two spare bedrooms with hardwood floors. This project became a lot more complicated than we originally intended. While trying to lay the floor the contractors discovered a problem, the floor had crowned and we had a structural problem. Long story short, we fixed the problem, put in new floors, and painted both bedrooms.

We got rid of the furniture in the one bedroom which left me with a space to do whatever I wanted to do. I thought about it for a bit, should it be (another) office? A sitting room? Reading room? One thing I knew for sure, no TV would find its way into that room.

So here’s my new meditation room. So far I’ve kept the room fairly sparse. Just a couple of blankets on the floor, one folded up to sit on, a small altar for my little buddha and candles, a yoga mat, a couple of plants and some artwork. I LOVE it and have meditated for 20 minutes every day since getting it together. That is a huge accomplishment for a semi-high strung person like me.

I’m not certain if I can directly attribute the gratitude I’ve experienced in the last several days to meditating or not but gratitude has been my prevailing emotion. My intention in meditating has been to send out love and kindness to others. As an adjunct to this, I have been practicing gratitude. Gratitude for the peace and serenity my new meditation room gives me, gratitude for the relationships I have in the rooms, gratitude for the relationship I have with my husband and daughter, and gratitude for my connection to my higher power.

My spiritual practice, along with my recent kick-butt workouts, (I’m back to spinning and my quads are killing me), good sleep, and eating healthy are key to my well-being. The other big part of this is going to meetings that are really important and meaningful to me. I’ve switched my meetings up a bit, and doing that has infused a new sense of wonder and connection to my program. Sometimes meetings can get stale, and changing things up a bit is just what I needed.

I’m grateful for all of this, grateful for this blog as a place to write about my experience and share with others in recovery. We are so lucky to be on this path, and sometimes I am even thankful for the fact that I am an alcoholic.

Again, it has been some time since I’ve blogged. I was in Palm Springs this past week, having tagged along with my husband to a work meeting. We go to two of these meetings a year, they are always at fabulous places, and there is always a lot of drinking. This year I had absolutely no desire to drink, and for that I thank my Higher Power.

We got there on a Friday and got up early the next morning to attend an Al-Anon meeting together. It’s always great to go to meetings out-of-town and this one was no exception. It was a warm, lively meeting and there was a lot of recovery in the room. We read from Discovering Choices: Recovery in Relationships. It’s an Al-Anon book that I was not familiar with but then again, Al-Anon is so new to me that I am always discovering new literature and new ways to look at things.

On Valentine’s Day I traveled with friends to visit Joshua Tree National Park. Being in the desert surrounded by sand and grit, gigantic rock formations, unusual vegetation and big blue open skies was a real treat for this east coast girl. We drove around the park perimeter and stopped several times to hike a few miles. It was a beautiful day spent with good friends.

The west coast trip went by quickly and now I am back in my home town, back to reality. The year is starting off well. I’ve lost 17 pounds since January 9th while on my cleanse. I am back to working out, have kicked my sugar habit and am letting go of nighttime eating. All in all, I feel good and spiritually fit. There is still lots to work on, though. It never ends, does it?

I got a very nice comment from Suzanne about my blog on my last post, A Short Visit to the Island.  She reminded me how important it is to share our stories and gave me a small push to write this post. Thanks, Suzanne. 

Last night someone asked me if I had given up on my blog. Surprised, I hadn’t really thought about the fact that it had been over a week since I’d written a post. Since then my life has been busy with travel, fun and splendid moments of relaxation.

My husband and I flew down to attend an AA/Al-Anon conference held on the island where we have our beach home. It’s  wonderful to escape the cold, grey days with a visit to the warm, sunny south. This year their winter has been exceptionally mild.  Every time I arrive, gratitude for my blessings flows through me.  Nine years ago, imprisoned in alcoholism and despair, I would never have imagined my life as it is today. The challenges keep coming but awareness that life ebbs and flows comforts me. When I live in the moment, I  am able to feel joy and give love in a way that I was never able to when I was drinking.

Living in the moment has really helped my anxiety. For many years, I spent most of my time anticipating and trying to control future events. I worried so much about what was in front of me that it was impossible for me to enjoy the present moment. It was either the worry of the future or the regret of the past that kept me stuck.

Flying home yesterday is a good example of how life has changed. For years flying consumed me with fear. Before I flew I’d have stomach aches and other unmentionable problems, many of them related to the amount of alcohol I’d drink the night before to calm my nerves. When I got on the plane, I couldn’t wait until I could have a glass of wine or two, it was usually crappy wine, but it did the trick for a short flight. On longer flights, either across the Atlantic or across the country, I’d drink enough to pass out. I’d arrive at my destination hung-over, edgy and irritable. Certainly not an enjoyable travel companion.

To fly in and out of the island, we take a small prop plane and I always try to get a window seat so I can look out over the islands, beaches and marshes of the low country. Our descent into Charlotte, NC was quite bumpy and a woman, returning to her seat from the bathroom, was having trouble keeping her balance and hanging on. It was obvious to me that she was in distress and I felt it wasn’t safe so I asked her to sit in the open seat next to me. I tried to soothe her. Imagine me worrying about someone else instead of being trapped in my fear! When she sat down I smelled alcohol on her breath. She told me that she was going to Las Vegas to celebrate a friends 40th birthday. It was the first time she had left her children, ages 2 and 5, she was nervous. I flashed back to the trips my husband and I would take when our kids were small, I’d be apprehensive about leaving them and excited to spend time with my husband alone. It was always a great excuse to get wasted.

Today I do it differently, I try to enjoy the ride. My ritual begins with the serenity prayer and thanks to my higher power. I come equipped with my favorite music on my iPod and noise-cancelling headphones. The music calms me a heck of a lot better than wine ever did. Sometimes I’ll listen to Tara Brach podcasts. Her soothing voice and words of wisdom help me stay in the moment.

I get nervous when I fly
I’m used to walking with my feet
Turbulence is like a sigh that I can’t help but over think

After the conference was over and my husband flew home, I had a few days to myself to enjoy the beach. I ate healthy, nourishing meals, went to my home group, went to the gym to spin and take yoga, prayed, meditated, and walked on the beach. I spent quality time with my camera and even had a massage, it was wonderful. It’s amazing what a few days of taking care of myself does for the soul.

Now I’m back in the construction zone, the structural work and the floors are behind us, and the painter is upstairs patching and prepping for painting. I’m starting to see the end of the project we started in early November, the one-week project that morphed into a three-month project. I’ve rolled with the punches on this one. It’s nothing like the time I gave birth to my son in the midst of a complete home remodel and addition when the back of our house was literally ripped off. Seriously, what was I thinking when we did that? I remember trying to nurse my son on the living room sofa and the plumber or other workers walking in on me to ask questions. There was no privacy, no down time other than the time I’d put the children to bed and numb myself with alcohol. I often wonder how that affected my son, I sure know how it affected me. I was a nervous wreck, not really fit to deal with a newborn, a 3 1/2-year-old daughter, and a rambunctious golden retriever.

There are a lot of things I’d do differently if I could but I’m learning to accept this as my path. After all, it was these experiences that got me to where I am at this very moment. There is wisdom in having survived the rough times. And at this very moment I know I am right where I’m supposed to be. Things don’t always go according to my plan, they rarely do, but I’m beginning to trust that my higher power has a purpose for me.

More on the conference and other good spiritual stuff in my next post. Hope y’all are having a great day.

xoxox